A Window is Where the Wall is Absent: A Twist

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Twist

I came across a few words yesterday with a twist. Here they are:

"the truth catches up with me
I am not enough
never have been
never will be
what relief to admit this finite container
can never contain infinity
what joy to find infinity
needs no container"

by Nirmala, in Gifts With No Giver

I wonder how much suffering I have felt in my life from the thought that I am not enough, that I have never been enough, and that I will never be enough? Not good enough, not hardworking enough, not giving enough, not accomplished enough, not attractive enough... you know the drill, who doesn't? Did this feeling of inadequacy hound me into new heights of glory? It doesn't seem to work this way- that feeling crummy about myself makes me into a better person. I confess I've also used this logic on others, convinced if I could only get them to see how crummy they were being that they would suddenly be transformed into non-crumminess...This is not a fun way to live.

So I was startled by the twist in the words above- relieved to be not enough? Mmmm...I was fairly skipping through my day yesterday after reading the above words, humming happily to myself- I am not enough, I am not enough, I am not enough- how wonderful! After all, not enough means limited, and it is limits that define any shape, any entity, any object. Maybe limits aren't such a bad thing. The growing edge. Without that delineation we'd all just be mush, a big homogeneous soup of sameness- unlimited, finally enough.

There's something humbling and sane in not being enough; let the megalomaniac ego pout and be as miserable as it wants to about my not-enoughness. There's something beautiful in all the supposed not-enoughness (to my eyes) in other people in my life. It's fun to do the twist- and see the loveliness in limitations. Skipping along I'm more likely to gently expand that growing edge- becoming more hardworking, more giving, more accomplished, more whatever...but never enough, thank goodness! Time to go home school my take-my-breath-away beautiful and intelligent 14 yo daughter Mary.

4 comments:

Unknown said...: I used to tell Val (my twin sister as you know) that it's the bad qualities that are most beguiling to another. It sounds untrue since we moan and groan about each other's bad things but also, they captivate. :) A bit off topic cut anyway.; January 5, 2010 at 1:23:00 PM PST
roseduncan said...: Getting perspective is so difficult. Most days are spent in agonizing over everything I do and worrying over things I can't control. I do meditate and it helps but to be able to reverse the flow . . . that's really the trick, isn't it?
I have a new appreciation for Leonard Cohen's choice to go live in a monastery for all those years.; January 8, 2010 at 4:39:00 AM PST
Unknown said...: That's funny, Val and I were listening to an interview with Pema Chodran in the car today and she talked about a quote of Leonard Cohen's when he says he no longer hangs on to success and failure and that the less "me" there is the happier he is.; January 9, 2010 at 2:29:00 PM PST
Colleen Loehr said...: Clarify for me "reverse the flow"... I've heard of reversing the arrow of attention from the outer or mental world of thoughts and perceptions to an interior realm that is immediate and vibrant and untranslated by the mental apparatus. That's what comes up for me when you talk about reversing the flow- my attention is also sucked into a vortex of repetitive pointless worries, and meditation reverses the flow of attention into a nonverbal realm shimmering with life. Reversing that flow is EXACTLY the trick- I think you've hit it nail on head.; January 10, 2010 at 8:16:00 PM PST